Remembering Tatay Abe

It hurts. It still hurts.

As day goes by, I am obliged to face the world with a new set up, somewhat a new life, and without a person who I used to see and talk everyday for 23 years.  My dad, Bernabe B. Vinta, died 48 days ago – August 9 or August 8, depending on what time zone you are in, or depending on your belief when the time his organs stopped. My Tatay was still young.  He was only 57. A heart stroke hit him, which highly affected the organ that would allow him to function well, his brain.

It hurts so much that my superman is not physically with us anymore. The reality of life slaps me everyday that it is hard to live without Tatay.

I remember when I was in kinder, Tatay would always drop me off to school. In front of the entrance, I’d be gladly proud to kiss him on his left cheek before he leaves because you know, as a kid, I want to show and brag to other kids that my dad and I were close.

I remember the time when we had this neighbour of ours who pretend that they’d somehow kidnap me whenever we pass by them after Tatay fetch me from school. He would always support me in my acting show - that I fell asleep so they won’t be able to talk to me.

I remember the time when Tatay ran for councilor and won for three terms in Barihan. I was and til now, a very proud daughter because I knew (everyone knew!) how he dedicated his life in politics. Mind you, that was 10 years of service.

I remember when Tatay would be persuaded by the people to run for Chairman. The elders and those involved in politics would go in our house and talk to Tatay. They wanted him to run. But for two elections, he refused. First, he wanted to rest because of health reasons. And second, he preferred to stay at home and be with us.

I remember my elementary days in Holy Spirit. While Nanay prepared for my breakfast and hot water for bath, Tatay was in charge to wipe my wet feet and put my socks and shoes on afterwards.

I remember my red days when I was younger. Tatay would not be ashamed to buy napkins in the store whenever I found out that it’s my first day. From the comfort room, I would just loudly call and ask him to buy one. In a few minutes, he would go back, knock and give what I needed.

I remember the days in high school where there were projects in TLE that needed manly efforts. My Tatay would usually get his tool box and finish my projects using his expertise in carpentry and mechanics. And boom, there goes my finished basket, accessory box, etc. Yes, a father should be expert in those things.

I remember him accompanying me in my school service each and every day of my elementary and high school days – making sure I am safe aboard.

I remember entering college. Tatay was really mad at me when I intentionally failed the exam at BSU just to make sure that I wouldn’t be studying in Bulacan. Eventually, he accepted the fact, and he was even generous in giving me allowances every week. He made sure I’d have excess money during my stay in UST. He would always accompany me to the FX terminal because my things were too heavy to carry.

I remember when I had my heart broken. My relationship with my ex was legal and very open. But my dad would not usually ask me about us. He cared but not much. To my surprise, when Tatay found out the break up issue with my 3yr relationship ex, he wasn’t happy. He was mad because he couldn’t accept I was hurt by someone whom he treated as a member of our family. Through Nanay, she would course what Tatay would like us to do. He wanted us to go somewhere far just to make me somehow forget the pain. He didn’t want us to be together again. And I guess, my Tatay has been right since then. He knew what's best for me.

I remember when he taught me how to drive. He was patient to convince me to practice more to become a good driver. He would tell me that a good driver is the one who can drive without making any car dents or accident. I remember the time when he was the one giving me the confidence to drive farther because according to him, I wouldn’t learn if I don’t have any courage. I remember him teaching me to drive our manual transmission owner type jeepney. It was so hard because I first learned automatic. But he trusted me and made me learn from my own after a few lessons.

I remember when I was held up at 4 in the morning. My Tatay was so angry because the robbers took all my things. I remember he got the car immediately to check hoping that they might still catch the suspects. As the incident happened inside a jeepney, he investigated and even probed the driver of the jeep. After the incident, he volunteered to accompany me until the terminal every morning.

I remember when I decided for a career change. I was in the office then, not in the mood to work because of the news I heard about the people who didn’t want me to work with them. It was too accidental that my dad texted me this, “Wag ka malungkot. Okay lang yan. Kung ako masusunod, yan ang gusto ko.” I cried after I read his message. With such a thing, that’s so unusual for my dad. It's so peculiar to receive a text from him because I didn't let them know how I felt during that day. I didn’t know that he wanted this because he’ll leave soon and if I were still working in NGA, Nanay won’t have anyone to look after her because overtime was such a normal routine for me.

I remember him always saying, “Save up for the future.” Always.

I remember him volunteering to accompany me til I aboard a jeepney on his last three days on earth. He was worried because I left the house as early as 4AM. Back then, I was really wondering why he was doing it. He woke up too early just to get the flashlight and made sure I aboard safely. I didn’t know that it was the last 3 days he would accompany me. I didn’t know that I’d lose a father who would always secure my safety whenever I leave the house. That was our routine since I was in kinder.

I remember the times when you are the jack of all trades. Now, Nanay and I have a hard time feeding and bathing our dogs. Nanay queued very long to pay the bills in electricity, water and telephone which you always do for us. Every Monday, I have to wake up too early because there’s no Tatay to transport me til the FX terminal. It’s so hard to commute each time we need to go somewhere or run errands because I am not confident to drive a manual car and Nanay’s too scared to try – and because you’re not there to tell me that I can. It’s so hard to wake up every Saturday which I am not used to, but I have to accompany Nanay to buy food for the whole week to the wet market. Whenever the electric fans and aircon screw up, you were there to fix it. But 2 weeks ago, the fan and aircon acted up so we had to have it fixed by a technician. I remember how you bravely fixed the roof in the garage during heavy rains. I remember how you would wake up each night and check if there’s someone bystanding because the dogs were barking at night.

I remember my 23rd birthday. It was 2 days before stroke hit you. You bought an ice cream for me, while Nanay was in charge of the cake. I was so happy because Carlo was able to catch up with you again over 5 bottles of beer.

I remember the time that you proved me that even if I was a hard headed daughter, you were still able to forgive me. It was my fault, but still, you were the one who reached out to me and Carlo. Nanay told me that you were doing it because you don't want to see me sad.

Tatay, it’s not easy without you here. A lot has changed and even if it is tough, I need to carry on.  I am always praying to the Lord to give me more strength, patience and understanding because I need to – for Nanay, specially that Kuya is not physically with us. I need to sacrifice because it’s my time to do so.

If you were here again, I will buy you branded clothes as you wish to have. It won’t matter if it’s a Lacoste polo shirt or a Levis jeans. I will book a Boracay trip for you because you wanted to see personally the ladies in bikinis. I know you would still want to travel with us again. I know you would still want to eat in restaurants which you have not been yet. I know you would want to be there on my wedding day and be my last dance as a single lady. I know you would still want to see your own apo and play with him/her. I know you would still want to celebrate Nanay’s 60^th on March. I know you would still want to spend the holidays with us as a complete family. If I could only turn back time and give you a luxury life that you were deprived of when you were still young.

I want to kiss and hug you again. I want to say thank you for all the sacrifices you did for me, Kuya and Nanay. I want to say that I love you because I really do... If only…

I will see you again. Not so soon, but when it’s the right time.

Good night, Tatay. I know that you're still guiding us from above.

Love,

Chacha